From the archives.

DOs

Getting laid at university is a bitch because girls can smell how horny you are—and it pongs. Have a good wank before you go out and just act like Mr. Gregarious Funny Guy that’s out for a laugh and eventually pussy will just fall into your lap. Remember, no vagina wants to be a member of a cock that wants her as a member.

One of the best places to meet people at a new school is in the bathroom. If they don’t have a magazine they’re often really bored and looking for something to amuse them.

Avoid fights at almost all costs. Being publicly humiliated is the source of a million nicknames (Crybaby Chris, Fatlip Frazhad, Glassjaw Gary). If something has to go down, try to make sure it’s at a crowded pub where the fight can’t last and your mates will jump in.

Chalkboards and noticeboards are the only way to get bills paid and dishes done. There also have to be punishments doled out for each violation. For example, if Kyle refuses to do the dishes they have to be taken out of the sink and placed in the centre of his bed.

The only way to infiltrate a close-knit group of drunk girls is to befriend one of them and use her as an information source for the rest. This is called the Trojan Horse route to pussy and should always start with the ugliest one.

If you’re not sure what your look is going to be now that you’re an independent grown-up, dress like the guys in The Horrors.

You’re only going to be this young and free of debt once in your life so why not dress like a complete tit and enjoy yourself? It’s the fashion equivalent of telling all hard-working old people to fuck off and it feels great.

Being gay in university is great because straight boys are at that experimental stage. You will never get such a huge dose of risk-free cock again in your life so drop to your knees and get slurping!

See?

DON’Ts

DO NOT HULAHOOP! It is way more exhausting than you think and even four minutes of gyrating your hips like that means you will be out for the count for the rest of the night.

In ten years this guy is going to look back at his eco-environmentalist, Peruvian, afro-funk version of “Give Peace a Real Gay Chance” and admit to himself, “I have no fucking clue who that was or what the fuck he was doing.”

University years should change their name to “Ironing out the kinks of my image” years. This guy is going to give Electrobutler a try for another three weeks before moving on to Geriatric Glam Rocker.

Enjoy this metabolism while you can. In ten years, drinking until you pass out means two days of shotgun diarrhoea and bad-acid-trip headaches that make chemotherapy seem like fellatio.

Here’s a tip: if you’ve just woken up after being stone-dead passed out for the last three hours, go straight to the bathroom to assess the damage. The odds are the word cock is on your face.

Stay away from people that have dreads. They are all wankers.

Being the loner hippy guy works in school because everyone is so packed together that people are forced to notice you. Brooding in university however is suicide, because there’s so much other shit going on, people are like, “You want to be alone? Fine. See ya!”

Don’t get tattoos until you’ve thought about them for at least six months. If you get a black half-moon the only thing that can cover it up is a huge black cat and the only thing that can cover that up would be an even huger black rose and so on and so on until you look in the mirror and realise you’ve inadvertently changed your race.

When kids move out of the house they are so blown away by their new No Rules lifestyle they can’t help but wear rags. That means the same pants for three months and owning no socks at all. So, because this guy’s dad was a prick we have to stare at his toes all day. Nice.

Tagged: Dos and Don'ts
October 21st, 2009 @ 11:04