From the archives
UBIQUITOUS WHITE PLIMSOLES
Three years ago, the Lord of Hipster Fashion decreed that every single person in the world must own a pair of these cheap plimsoles that fall apart after three weeks of wearing them. These are perfect for those of you intent on reinventing yourselves from unpopular rich nerds to bohemian wastrels. You must also carry around with you notebooks full of poetry about “winding, blinding puffs of smoke trickling into space”, “desolate pigeons” and long, annoying words like “coruscating”.
ARGOS CATALOGUE
Fuck IKEA and it’s too-hard-to-get-to-if-you’re-lazy outlets. Argos has a catalogue three times the size and you can find them on pretty much every high street of each shithole town in the country. Maybe treat yourself to a made-out-of-white-canvas wardrobe. Customise it by accidentally squirting a big dollop of blue hair gel down the front and leaving it there so it stains. It will be there for the whole time you own this piece of “furniture” (seven years).
PENFIELD BAG
So named because it has the cute dependability of Penfold from Dangermouse and the rakish charm of Garfield, who, in our minds, is second only to Snoopy in the “Most Iconic Cartoon Animal” stakes. The reason why Snoopy wins is because of his emotionally affecting movies, songs, supporting cast of characters and the fact that the only real reaction Garfield ever elicits from us is: “(sigh) Classic! (sigh). That bloody cat is SUCH a flipping rogue.”
ANNOYING PEPERAMI TOY
This is the Faberge egg of shitty student house props. From the annoying noises it makes when you squeeze it, to the unnerving way it looks like a piece of shit with a face to the way it just BEGS to be thrown at people who’re passed out on your living room floor, this is perfect for making your already aesthetically-redundant home environment even worse.
MICRO PIZZA
Fast replacing the Pot Noodle as the student snack of choice, these crimes against food remind us of the opening pages of Bizarre magazine, where they show photos of people with horrific burns on their sexual organs. Mmmmm, once microwaved, this smells like a drop-in centre for alcoholics. It has the consistency of a burned piece of mattress that lies in the front garden of a house destroyed by fire where three refugee children died with their one-eyed single mother, a victim of multiple rapes by merciless African soldiers of fortune.
MEMORY STICK
Not having one of these at uni is like walking around without socks – not the end of the world, but eventually your feet start to smell and people start talking about you behind your back. It’s really useful if you do some type of science or maths course because you can get a geek to do all of the work, and then come along when they’ve finished and convince them to let you transfer it onto your stick so you can “just read over it” when you get home.
BOOK FOR IDIOTS
You will find lots of tomes like these during your time at university. They are books written by hippies with nothing better to do than write half-convincing theories they dreamed up while blasting through the universe on DMT at Glastonbury 18 years ago. You should only glance through things like this for five minutes max. It will reaffirm that there ARE actually bigger idiots in the world than your housemate. They are a waste of time.
LABELLED FOOD
Anybody who does this deserves to have their food stolen. In fact, the people who moan and bitch about their housemates stealing things like quarter pints of milk and a portion of frozen peas are pretty much the only people who have their food nicked.
PARENT’S PHONE NUMBER
After your brain and major organs, this is the most essential part of the student survival kit. You should be careful where you store this. Ideally keep this in your brain or mobile phone, but the potheads among you may find this a bit taxing. If you are one of these unfortunate creatures, just keep it in your “stash box” or something similarly precious to you, you totally disgusting hippy catamite.
NEW ERA CAP
Sorry first-year feminists, but much like any girl who wants to get married needs to know her way around a cock, any student who values their personal safety needs to know the theories on people who wear New Era caps. If you don’t, just Google things like “50 Cent”, “hoodies” and “student with floppy fringe assaulted on night bus”. We are not necessarily agreeing with these theories. We are just warning you. Buy one yourself for those 2.30 AM journeys back through the town centre.
EASTPAK PENCIL CASE
How about those Playboy pencil cases marketed at seven-year-old girls? Making pencil cases out of a brand whose sole purpose is the degradation of blonde mid-western farm girls with saline bags sewn into their chests by plastic surgeons, paid for by a propped-up-by-Viagra 187-year-old with a wig? It’s almost as creepy as mothers who encourage their daughters into glamour modelling because they “respect Jordan as a role model for mums”. Doesn’t tumbling out of nightclubs and having a blind baby with a guy who’s not often around disqualify you from ideal-mother-figure-role-model-eligibility? Get one of these Eastpak ones instead and put your Sony Connect headphones in it.
NIKE AIRMAX 360
These are the polar opposite of the plimsoles above. The soles on these shoes will outlast a nuclear war or an explosion on a commercial airliner flying out from Heathrow blown up in mid-air over a major American city by a fundamentalist Muslim terrorist using a bomb made out of a shaving foam can and a baby bottle. Wow. These shoes really are incredible. Most of you will have no money for taxis and things that people with jobs enjoy so there’s going to be a lot of drunken two hour walks home from the town centre back to your student hovel after the pub.
VICTORIAN GOTH NARCOTICS DISPENSER
It’s sad but true. Drugs DO exist at university. This doesn’t make them big or clever or good for your brain (the opposite is true, d’uh). If you MUST take them at parties and concerts, put them in something like this. It says: “I’m enigmatic and stylish and listen to Siouxsie and Nick Cave.” It will make you look mysterious and worldly and it’s better than having a sweaty lottery ticket in the condom pocket of your jeans.
HEIRONYMOUS BOSCH ACTION FIGURE
If you must have “talking points” in your bedroom, then go for something like this instead of the Peperami guy. With this, you can test whether the art student in your bedroom actually knows their onions or not. If they do, you can show them where to buy this from (off the internet) and this can lead to you both sitting on your bed with your laptop together. This often leads to other activities.
PARTY SOCKS
Preppy / punk is always a good look. There should be some polo shirt going on with jeans or vintage Levi’s corduroys. Trousers should be tapered and shortened so as not to drag in the dirt. Cute socks like this should be poking out from your ankle area. They signal that you don’t take things too seriously and that you are always ready to throw down and party. Wearing the same old sports socks you’ve had for the last six years turns off members of the opposite sex. These don’t.
