From the archives

ACTION PLAN Planning is everything. You need booze. You need a hard person to be the door guy. You need numbers for cabs. You need somebody who’s able to sort out what the music business calls “fruit and flowers” (Google it). You also need sectioned, locked areas of the house that only you have keys to. Most importantly, you need some overall idea about how the party should end up. This means: how to get the best people to stay and how to get the worst people to leave.

BABES You need at least a couple of these (of both sexes) to turn up early-ish as they make a talking point for the ugly people (everybody else). You should get the babes as drunk as possible so they’re more likely to stick around, and give them access to the secret areas where the “fruit and flowers” are distributed. If, after courting them for a couple of hours you decide they are complete idiots, then start a Chinese whisper that one of them has AIDS of the bumhole.

CLOTHES You have to have some kind of party outfit planned. The best thing to do is dress low-key and smart, but have some amazing novelty value flashing light thing going on in the corner of your outfit to attract drunk, horny people.

DEGRADATION Fuck these boring student dinner parties where everybody’s complimenting Sophie on her avocado and pine nut salad. Unless there’s a blindfolded virgin having opium forced into their anus by a giant walking tit dressed as a rabbit while a rave dwarf covered in baked beans felches them both by 7.45 PM, I’m OUTTA HERE!

EGGS …for throwing at other people’s houses. Toilet paper for throwing at garden hedges. Flour and water mixture for throwing on people’s cars. Water balloons for throwing off the roof of the party.

FIGHTS If you’re going to start a fight make sure it’s against somebody you can easily kill. Student parties are so full of sexually charged people that it’s impossible for the night to pass without a fight breaking out. They’re funny to watch as well, as long as they’re in the garden. See the Self Defence guide on Page 52 for more details.

GENEROSITY Be as giving as possible and your guests will love you. Remember, this party could cement your reputation for the next three years. People never forget great parties so you should put as much effort into it as possible. If you’re tight and don’t want to splash out too much, go and visit a cash and carry and pick up the cheapest, strongest shit you can find. A good way to disguise the fact that it is surgical spirit is to dump it into a party punch.

HERMAPHRODITE GAME AKA, the Mangina Game. This is where the boys tape their dicks between their legs, put make up on their faces, don wigs and go running into next door’s student party while offering to “kiss the most handsome man in the room.” It’s a bit risky if you’re living in a council estate, though.

IMMODIUM If university is your first time at being a full-time alcoholic drug bucket then your virgin pink intestines and bowels will be able to handle the first two years of this abuse pretty well. If you persist with the “drinking for breakfast” game, then by the time you hit year three you’re going to need these pills to stop the mid-lecture leakage.

JENGA (THE SADIST VERSION) This is where you recreate the video to Justice Vs Simian’s “We Are Your Friends” but in the cruellest, most degrading and destructive way possible. Pile as much shit up on a passed-out person’s body as possible (bowls of sloppy food, paint, porno mags, excrement, hair removal cream and tanning lotion are good).

KETAMINE AKA ecstasy for weirdos. We know this is very popular but it’s not for us. It’s all of the worst things about acid and heroin in one sickly weird rollercoaster of a shame spiral. If you must do illegal drugs, try something else like an MDMA boiler. Get some MDMA or crush up a pill and put it in a shot glass of hot water. Stir it, wait for it to cool slightly, then neck it. We do not endorse drug use, btw.

LESBIANS Despite what you’ve seen on the internet, most lesbians don’t have long hair or high heels. Neither do they like guys cumming on their face once they’ve finished eating each other out on top of a speed boat in the south of France. That’s not to say we’ve got anything against them. As long as they don’t spend all night professing loudly to queens and fellow dykes how chauvinistic university life is, they can stay. Same goes for “First Year Fags” who still think that David (The Only Gay In The Village from Little Britain) is a role model. Sorry, but nobody cares where you put your genitals.

MESS Anybody who stays over has to tidy up the next day. Get a tonne of bin bags and you can blast through it in 30 minutes max. Some people will be so vulnerable after the night before that you will be able to get them to do pretty much anything; that includes stuff you never do, like scrubbing the toilet bowl. Do not leave the detritus to fester.

NUDITY This is always to be encouraged, even if it’s just a couple of beefcakes from the rugby team running about with a leek stuffed up their bum. Again, it’s a great talking point for anyone you want to chat up.

ONTOLOGY AKA the metaphysical study of the nature of being and existence. If someone starts discussing this in detail with you, pick them up by the scruff of the neck and throw them out the door and tell them to get back to the fucking library. Alternatively, if you’re trying to have sex with said person, make your eyes go really wide when you’re listening to them and go “Yeah. Yeah. I agree”. Do this in time with the rhythm of their voice. This is a basic technique of a science called Neuro Linguistic Programming. If you study it thoroughly enough, NLP can help get you laid every single night of your life (but mainly with idiots). Google it.

POLICE The sign of a great party is the appearance of the police at your door midway through the night. Even if the police didn’t turn up, tell everybody the next day that they did and that you managed to talk to them and calm them down and that you told them to “be cool and leave my friends alone”. You will become a hero over-night, even if you lied.

QUEUES FOR THE BATHROOM Here is where most of the mating rituals go down. People spend so long hanging around waiting for people to finish snorting their shitty coke that it’s a great opportunity to make small talk. We recommend some light-hearted chit chat. Nobody wants to be stuck waiting for the loo while some dick lectures them on the war in Iraq or tells bad jokes about disabled people.

REGRET People are under the misconception that regret is a bad thing. Fuck them. You need a bit of regret and guilt to make it all worthwhile; it provides a landmark for you to remember the night by. The more regret you have the next morning, the better the party was.

SLUTS There is a time and place for sluts, and a house party is both the time and the place. You need at least one or two good-natured sluts at every party that you know will give you a feel in a darkened room if you get turned down by everybody else.

TANTRUMS These usually start to happen when there aren’t enough drugs to go around. This is the point where rich kids who have always been given everything they want really come into their own and often you’ll see the female version crying on the stairs. Giving them drugs can dry up those tears faster than you can say: “Want a bump?”

UNWANTED GUESTS Everyone loves these guys. People turning up off the street, stealing all of your alcohol, hassling all of the girls and being the last to leave. Sometimes these guys can save a party.

VIRGINITY Taking some random person’s virginity at a party is a definite no-no. It’s not the act of doing it that’s the problem, it’s the fact that they’ll be in love with you forever afterwards.

WRITING ON PASSED OUT PEOPLE Unlike the Jenga game, remember not to go overboard — too many cooks do spoil the broth. A nice curly moustache or a strategically-placed cock on the forehead will pay dividends when someone spends all day walking around confused as to why the world is laughing at them.

XENOPHOBIA There’s always one guy from your course who you invite round but is too scared to talk to strangers and ends up sitting alone in your room all night listening to Mogwai. A lot of times these guys have a thing we call “the coke’s got my tongue”. They will usually be up there doing secret bumps all night.

YEAST INFECTIONS You need to pick up one of these at every good party. They’re easy to cure and in certain parts of Sheffield, it’s even considered a status symbol. Yeast infections are the new pitbulls on a chain.

Z-LIST FRIENDS These are the “friends” you don’t want to come to your party but will actually make up the majority of the people there. Learn to love them.

JIMMY MCTWINKLE & AUDREY COOPER

Tagged: a-z, alcohol, drugs, party
October 9th, 2009 @ 08:48