From the archives

For some people, nothing ends a night out on the town more satisfyingly than kicking the shit out of a student, i.e you and your friends.

In London, attacks on students and people who look like students have increased. Faris from The Horrors had teeth knocked out on Whitechapel Road for having long hair and the singer from Les Incompetents Billy Bell was almost killed after a night out in Camden went wrong when somebody took a dislike to his trousers (and tried to cop off with his girlfriend).

Outside London it’s even worse. Sadly, if you’re living in a strange new city with accommodation in one of the less salubrious parts of town and you enjoy “night life” then being beaten up, or the fear of being beaten up, is an inescapable part of your new life.

One thing that you can’t count on is the how, when or why you’re going to come in for the pounding of your life.

Sadly, if you’re approached by a clucking heroin addict desperate for the £3.47 in your pocket or by a gargantuan meathead who got rejected from every university in the world and wants to take out the fact that he’s got to pay for three kids by the time he’s 22 on your face, you’re probably not going to win the fight. Sorry, you’re DEFINITELY not going to win the fight. What you CAN do is be prepared for sitches like these and be ready to defend yourself by any means possible.

We’ve lost pretty much every fight we’ve been in (apart from when we had the bouncers at the Old Blue Last to help us out) so what the fuck do we know?

Oh yeah, let’s ask our friend, Angela Brennan, the British Middleweight Tae Kwon Doe Champion (2004).

Vice: Hi Angela. We’ve been thinking about being beaten up quite a lot and we’ve made ourselves a bit scared. I mean, what if somebody attacks us from behind when we’re walking home from the pub? Aren’t we totally dead?

Angela: Not necessarily, no. The main mistake people make when they’re attacked from behind is to turn around and face the attacker. You shouldn’t do this because it will give the attacker more time advantage and makes you more vulnerable. You have to condition yourself against doing this because turning round will be your natural reaction.

So what do you do?

Elbow them as hard as you can and then run. If they grab your arms so you can’t elbow them just fling any free body part available. Throw back your head and kick backwards with your leg while yelling: “Aaaaaaaggggghhhhhhh” like you’re a crazy person. People get freaked out if they think you’re crazy and might leave you alone.

Oh right. Well what about if somebody tries to attack me from the front? I’ve watched quite a bit of boxing on TV and I reckon I might be able to catch them in the jaw with a quick right hook.

Umm. That would be a VERY bad idea. Unless you’re a trained boxer, they’re going to see your punch from three weeks away. If somebody goes to attack you from the front it’s best to strike back using the palm of your hand.

Really? Why not the fist?

You may not know this but the palm of the hand is stronger than the fist and usually does more damage than punching. Be careful because mangling somebody’s nose into the brain is probably the easiest way to kill someone. Also, I find that biting, kicking and screaming also helps to put the attacker off.

Aim for the most sensitive parts of the face, which are obviously the eyes, nose and, lower down, the throat. Pinching and scratching and biting are also good. Obviously, you don’t want to kill them or you will end up going to prison, which is not that much fun.

Errrrrr. This sounds really dangerous.

Well it can be. I always say that the most sensible thing is to run away though. I would say ALWAYS run away from anyone with a weapon or give them what they want. Never try and fight back. You could be killed.

Have you ever been attacked?

Yeah I was attacked from behind. I used both natural fighting skills and my Tae Kwon Doe. I punched him in the face and he punched me back but I pushed him away against a solid object to take him off balance. He bit me so I bit him back and poked him in the eye. This saved me. He called me a “cunt” and ran away. Without self-defence I wouldn’t have been confident enough to fight back. I would have probably just given him my bag.

Oh yeah…Weapons. Can’t you get in trouble for having weapons?

Well if it’s a gun or a knife, yes. But you can use keys, hairspray, panic alarm, poppers. Maybe have a sock with stones in it.

I like it. So why don’t they have institutionalised self-defence classes for students across the country?

D’uh. If everyone knew self-defence it would increase the number of attackers with weapons. Most attackers won’t know self defence as they are just drug addicts. There’s always that.

Great.

Tagged: cartoon, self-defence, violence
October 8th, 2009 @ 05:09