Our friend Sonny had a bunch of growths spawning from the inside of his body. Rightfully dubious of the "medical establishment," he turned to us, his friends, for an affordable and convenient solution. This is going to involve surgery. The cast: One surgeon, one patient, one assistant.
To numb the pain, Sonny cracks open a Fentanyl patch and shared it with his surgeon. Fentanyl is is an opiate-based painkiller 80 times more powerful than morphine, hence its street name, "suicide patch." It's only given to cancer patients who are in extreme pain, but you can also score them when your friend's terminal roommate dies and she raids his medicine cabinet before dialing 911. The patches are supposed to be placed on the skin, near a vein, and the opiate absorbs into the body through an epithelial layer over 72 hours. For this operation, Sonny slices the patch open and rubs the gel directly on his gums.
The first pieces of extraneous epidermis are two disgusting little nubs underneath his armpit. They resemble balled-up bits of gum.
Their removal is quick and easy. Sonny pulls them taut and Surgeon X uses a razor blade to briskly lance them off.
Sonny holds up the defeated piece of flesh while the surgeon douses his armpit in Bacardi 151.
The second growth is a large, circular node nestled firmly between Sonny's "men's boobs." It's much more disgusting than the skin tags under his armpits and will require a steady hand and a strong stomach to remove.
Not only must our surgeon negotiate an intimidating amount of cleavage, but a thick bird's nest of chest hair as well. Our assistant preps a razor for Sonny which he uses to shave down a perimeter. The newly exposed node looks like a pineapple upside down cake: flesh colored at the base with a red, irritated top.
The Fentanyl is really kicking in and the mood in the room is growing equally sedated. Sonny thinks Surgeon X may have had a bit too much Fentanyl and decides to remove this one himself.
Sonny hacks and gouges at his hairy, fleshy chest, producing a steady trickle of blood. He attempts several incisions but after a few minutes realizes he lacks the composure necessary to properly maim himself. He gives up and resigns himself to the capable hands of Surgeon X.
Surgeon X grabs the node like a seasoned ER doctor and makes a couple of quick slices, but it doesn't come off as easily as Sonny had hoped.
Sonny screams in pain and retreats into his chair, but he is quickly grabbed back to complete the operation.
The surgeon makes two quick slices which finally sever the node. The excised flesh looks like a large, unripened blueberry.
Thick, viscous blood starts to surge from the wound, spreading like a wave over his chest, spattering onto the floor.
The blood continues to flow for roughly half an hour. Hydrogen peroxide is repeatedly poured over the open wounds. The blood is all the way down to his crotch, caking his dick in so much ropy, coagulated blood it looks like it pissed off the popular kids in Carrie.
