If you are anything like me and every single news channel and every single asshole with a blog, you’ve no doubt been wondering about the upcoming 2012 elections. As a political scientist, I know that it is never too early to speculate about elections. Surely, you must have many if not all of the same burning questions as I do: Who will run? Will Barack Obama win again? Will elections even take place, seeing as the world is slated to end on December 21, 2012 and Inauguration Day wouldn’t be until the following January? Luckily, I have answers to all these questions, as well as to additional questions that you hadn’t even realized you had. How insightful, right? Here then, is my list of probable candidates for the 2012 United States Presidential Election, along with brief analyses of each candidate and their chances of becoming the President of the United States (POTUS).
Lou Dobbs/Glenn Beck
Both Beck and Dobbs are political gossipers who became celebrities through their populist brand of right-wing rhetoric. Lou recently left his show on CNN so that he could pursue his calling to perform a greater good, which many think is code for running for office. Frankly, however, no one really likes Lou Dobbs enough to vote for him. The public knows where he stands on immigrants (he’s against them), but how does he feel about secret Muslim Presidents? Does he worry that the federal government is trying to take control of our bodies through the flu vaccine? Does he think that all Democrats are socialists, or are some of them just regular Christmas-hating lefties?
Glenn Beck, on the other hand, has made clear where he stands on all of these issues. He hates immigrants, hates the flu vaccine, and knows that all Democrats are socialists. Also, he said that Barack Obama clearly hates white people. Beck has millions of viewers, which means that he’d probably have massive support if he chose to pursue the Presidency. Despite this, Glenn Beck will not run for President, because he does not need to. He’s already formed his own militia, the 9/12 Project, who, given the orders, will install him as Commander-in-Chief.
Sidenote: Apparently Glenn Beck joined the Mormon Church in 1999 because his 10 year-old daughter with Cerebral Palsy begged him to. This is really weird.
Ron Paul
Apparently assholes still like him, so he’ll probably run. Expect lots of “Ron Paul Revolution” flyers, and way less actual votes.
Ralph Nader
Ralph Nader is the only presidential candidate to be mentioned in a Buzzcocks song (Fast Cars). Despite this achievement, he has no chance at being elected anything. All his kids voted for Obama in 2008.
Sarah Palin
No one needs to hear another Palin joke, so I won’t make one. If I were a betting man, I would know how to give her odds of winning, but as is, I can only give percentages. So I give her a 30% chance. I think that’s 3:10 odds?
Barack Obama
Barack Obama is, realistically, probably going to be a fairly successful president. He’s implemented fairly moderate liberal policies, and the health care reform initiative that he supports, while flawed, is certainly an improvement. While he obviously will not fix all, or even most, of the nation’s woes, it’s safe to say that America will be in a better shape in 2012 than it was in 2008. That aside, dude is fucked for reelection. Barack Obama is a Facebook President (TM) in the Twitter Generation (TM). America circa-2K9 wants shit done instantly. If Obama had passed health care reform and reversed the recession on Inauguration day, AND done so in less than 140 characters, maybe he’d have positive poll numbers. As is, his approval rating is roughly the same as Jimmy Fallon’s. He’s screwed.
Vampire Barack Obama
Which brings us to my personal favorite to win the 2012 POTUS election: Vampire Barack Obama. By 2012, assuming that he hasn’t been assassinated, Barack Obama’s poll numbers will be in decimals. At this point, Democrats will have two options. They can risk losing a tight race against some Republican like Sarah Palin. Alternatively, they can turn Barack Obama into a vampire.
It has been widely speculated in the political realm for quite some time that a vampire Presidential candidate would be literally unstoppable. By appealing to every significant voting block, Vampire Barack Obama would be guaranteed victory. Not only would he have the Democratic vote and the black vote, he would also gain the votes of Mormons (see: Twilight) and the votes of all who are against pre-marital sex (again, see: Twilight). Plus he would once more have the votes of everyone who likes voting for the “first ____ President.” With this gigantic fan-base, Vampire Barack Obama will cruise to victory, just in time for the world to end in 2012.
P.S. I just made up a joke in honor of vampires and World AIDS Day:
Question: Why can’t vampires get AIDS?
Answer: Because AIDS isn’t real!
HANSON O’HAVER
Tags: 2012, end days, media jerkoffs, politics, ron paul, the election
