HANGING WITH WHORES
For three months now I’ve been living with a prostitute. And, much like any job, over time, she has made friends with her fellow professionals: streetwalking, not-at-all classy friends. Yay!
This means by default most of my recent nights in have been spent sitting around my living room with a bunch of whores, listening to them gossip over stories of differing brands of thrush creams and their ever-sagging labia. They always use up all the tea bags, and I swear the other day one of them stole a pair of my tights. But whatever, in the end it’s worth having them around for all the riveting and disgusting stories they tell. Here are a few of the best ones I’ve heard recently.
Laying eggs
My favorite of the bunch is Candy (not her real name, obvs). She’s 35 and has dyed baby pink hair and an asshole that “often prolapses.” She recently told me about a regular client of hers who gets off by sticking eggs up her pussy, then forcing her to “lay” them onto his chest. The last time she did this, however, Candy couldn’t manage to squeeze all five eggs inside of her back out. In a panic, the guy punched Candy in the stomach thinking the eggs would slide out of her more easily once cracked. Sadly, that was a bogus theory and she had globs of egg goo and pieces of shell dripping out of her for days.
Cat pissing
Alison, 26, was asked by one client to piss on his cat. Which, like all the best perversions, seems utterly random to everyone except, presumably, the pervert. Apparently Alison tried a few times to aim her urine stream onto the animal, but failed as the cat was too fast. When I asked her why she didn’t just hold the cat down and piss on it that way, she replied, “I was afraid it was going to scratch my money-maker.”
Secret paedos
According to Team Whore, it’s really common for men to hire prostitutes not with the intention of fucking them, but rather just to hold and caress them and do things like play with their hair and call them “Baby” (and perhaps give them the occasional spanking). The girls refer to this as the daddy complex because the men act so similarly to how a father would treat his little girl.
Dark
At 19, Svetlana (street name Brittany) is the youngest of the group. She’s only been a prostitute for six months, but says her most disturbing experience thus far was when a client wanted to fuck her wearing his wife’s wedding dress, then cried midway though. When I asked her if she ever felt any guilt in conjunction with her job, she answered, “Only when I forget to stop remembering about it.”
| yoyoeggbo, on Nov 26, 2009 wrote:
this article is gross
i am not sure if i like it or hate it |
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Anonymous, on Nov 23, 2009 wrote:
omg. you are right. i am a hipster. every where i go, someone points at me and says "hipster". i keep saying no, no, no. there is no such thing as a hipster. but they just keep pointing.....and i keep crying......the injustice of having fashion be the axis upon which my world revolves....is.....just.....too....difficult. |
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Anonymous, on Nov 21, 2009 wrote:
i guess complaining about fashion on a fashion blog that makes jokes about people that care about fashion is kind of funny. |
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Anonymous, on Nov 21, 2009 wrote:
"hipsters are the new yuppies. both are easily categorized commercial sub-cultures whose belief in the importance of their own "uniqueness" really indicates an overwhelming insecurity about their own lack of authenticity."
Oh man, what a bunch of shit. I would love to see what you are wearing right now. I bet someone else would categorize you as a hipster, while you believe yourself to be a unique individual, different from THOSE guys. But but but, IM not a hipster, he is!
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| backtobabylon, on Nov 20, 2009 wrote:
That is horrifying. Egg dripping out for days?? |
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Anonymous, on Nov 20, 2009 wrote:
"meet anonymous"
i m a ’hipster’
hornitos tequila is doing ’mad advertising’ on my fav blogs...
think they want me 2 brand myself [via their alcohol brand].
but i stay loyal 2 franzzy box wine.
stay ’authentic’ y’all |
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Anonymous, on Nov 20, 2009 wrote:
so this guy says "check out vice online" , i do, this is what i read. so i call this guy back and say "hey this site sucks and you just killed more brain cells than an 8 ball" and he says "really?" I say "yea" and goes "thatll be 125 dollars". if in anyway anybody in the world thinks this site is cool, intelligent, original, witty, novel, or fuck even mildly entertaining, you are a fucking loser. dos and don’t s? you need someone to tell you? fucking moron, you cant be original if somebody else tells you how to be original, its like self help books, they all need to be renamed "helped by the guy and or girl that wrote this shit" books. dumb asses. |
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Anonymous, on Nov 20, 2009 wrote:
Try boiling the eggs, girl. |
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| A Taipan, on Nov 20, 2009 wrote:
I like eggs. |
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Anonymous, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
what is wrong with hence? |
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Anonymous, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
this article sucks |
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Anonymous, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
Hey dude/lady who wrote a lot, I was loving it til you said "hence." |
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Anonymous, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
for some reasons, i fucking hate hipsters. here is a brief reason of why.
hipsters are the new yuppies. both are easily categorized commercial sub-cultures whose belief in the importance of their own "uniqueness" really indicates an overwhelming insecurity about their own lack of authenticity.
the interesting thing about both hipsters and yuppies, is that while the subject clearly feels itself to be radically different from its compatriots, to the outside observer, they all look the same. somehow all of the variety produces nothing but the impression of uniformity. the subject typically replies to this by saying that the observer simply isn’t sophisticated enough to appreciate the differences.
the hipsters have taken the conflation of products and identity to a new level, since they are a more recent state in the evolution of american lack of identity,. their commercial aesthetic has incorporated the notion of "marginalization", and for them this somehow suffices as proof that they are operating against the culture, rather than within it. however, the commercialization of the margin is typically the only way anyone learns about it. it becomes a fetish to be purchased in some way.
for the hipster, inauthenticity is equated with "un-originality". hence, their quest for authenticity plays out in absurd attempts to demonstrate their own originality in terms of clothing, music, taste in literature, tattoos, bones in their ears, etc. what is lost on the hipsters is that almost all of their search for authenticity takes places in a commercial landscape, or within a location which is clearly circumscribed by a commercial landscape or interest. while this may seem somewhat trite due to the fact that the western human world is essentially a commercial entity nowadays, with the phrase "existence precedes essence" being replaced by "purchasing precedes essence", the hipsters nevertheless occupy a distinguished place in the modern mess of things.
The particular piece of bad faith on the part of the hipster is that they believe the opposite implication to be true. That is, they believe in their case that their essence determines their purchases, or lack of. Hence the absurd conflation of originality with products, and as such, the devotion to the sorting of products, both commercial and cultural (difference?), with the construction of self. |
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Anonymous, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
At least these guys have imagination. If Mad Men were on Showtime instead of AMC then all you naysayers would be sitting at home bitching about not having premium cable instead of masking your own weird fetishes by acting shocked at other peoples. |
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Anonymous, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
i love this |
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| malathion, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
fucking cats . |
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| Mason, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
How does someone even develop an egg laying pussy fetish? |
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| megabreath, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
who’s wearing the dress? i thought she was but now i’m not so sure. one is fucked, the other is clinically insane. |
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Anonymous, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
don’t men also like to kill prostitutes? |
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Anonymous, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
How is fucking a 19 year old Eastern Euro hooker while wearing your wife’s wedding dress and openly weeping fucked up? Loosen up Grant. |
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Anonymous, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
At what point do you raise the price or tell the John to fuck off? I mean, the wedding dress thing is seriously messed up. |
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| lowbrow, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
golden eggs > golden showers |
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| Grant, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
I don’t know if I would consider that a paedo thing though. It’s fucked up but it’s not really the same thing. |
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Anonymous, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
And all that money will go to coke dealers, then rehab clinics, and then finally, therapists. |
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Anonymous, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
worse than the glop would be the eggshells, no? |
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