The Obama administration announced last week their plan to try terrorist events-planner Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and his buddies in a federal Manhattan court. They argue that giving these giving these terrorists a trial in a US civilian court will illustrate the triumph of the American justice system. Republicans, of course, are furious. According to Giuliani, this move “grants the requests of terrorists.” Dude, give it up on the 9/11 mongering already. This terrible argument is not what concerns me though. What bothers me is that these men will be living in Manhattan during their trial, and I won’t be.
You see, I’m a pretty good guy. I open doors for people, I help women carry strollers up the subway steps, and I always lift the toilet seat up before I pee. I was arrested once, but only because they thought I was someone else. In short, I’m definitely not a terrorist. And yet, I’m stuck living in Brooklyn and commuting to NYU every day for school.
I know you’re wondering why a rich-kid hipster like me can’t afford Manhattan, and I’ll tell you why: my multi-million dollar trust fund doesn’t kick in until I turn 25, and right now living in Brooklyn allows me to spend more money on Sparks and records from Ed Banger. Anyways, my bedroom is barely big enough to fit my twin bed. Every morning I have to walk twelve blocks to the L train, and then walk another ten blocks from the L to campus. I have to leave 45 minutes before class if I want to grab a bagel and coffee and still make it to school on time.
Meanwhile, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed gets to live in Manhattan during his trial. For free. Dude organized the biggest terrorist attack since Pearl Harbor, and for his actions he is punished with a bedroom in the most expensive real estate in the nation. It doesn’t take a political scientist to tell you that this sends the mixed message that terrorists get to live in a better neighborhood than most normal citizens.
Obviously I am not suggesting that the federal government pay for me to live in Manhattan, although that would be awesome. Instead, I firmly advocate a much more practical solution. These terrorists must be housed somewhere in Brooklyn and required to commute into the city for their trial. What’s more, I believe that part of their journey should involve riding the G train. It is only then that justice will truly be served.
Tags: I Want To Live In Manhattan, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, Terrorism, the G Train
i dont want to sit near them on the G. it’s a sketchy enough train!
what kind of house-arrest or control will tbey be supervised under? i mean, riding on the train with me and shit….being middle eastern and all this is still scary
oh poor you. commuting to nyu is so tough.
i always wondered how the neck of that guy’s shirt got so big.
me too. it looks like someone chopped him off from the shoulder-up and put him on top of a white mound.
I don’t get it. Is this guy making fun of the readership with his shitty little complaints about his life, or are those supposed to be real complaints?
the terrorists should be sentenced to attend all the crappy art openings in brooklyn! a fate worse than death!
Guilty till proven innocent is such an outdated consept and really does more harm to national security than breeding 1000 OSBs in that clone lab the CIA built in Montana. I wish that the US would finally let their nuts hang and execute people on suspicion alone. The deaths of thousands of potential innecents is a fair price to pay for our freedoms. Never Forget.
How about 20 blocks up Nostrand, then the G, then another 5 blocks? I would love to see Khalid Sheikh Mohammed take that travel in a crisp white suit, ball and chain strapped to his ankle and a cardboard sign around his neck that boldly says, “Sup nigs? I’m the rag head who did the 9/11 job”
Nathan, I think you mean “Innocent until proven guilty…” Otherwise, your argument is retarded and I hope you don’t mind when the cop who shoots you over a DUI suspicion gets a paid vacation for his efforts.
I mean, yea KSM and his friends are staying in Manhattan or whatever, but I have a feeling it won’t be the Waldorf-Astoria. He also won’t be able to smoke cigarettes whenever he wants, make his way to Dean & Deluca’s for a fresh cup on the way to court, or go to free Colt 45 parties at Galapagos, although I’m sure he’d make an excellent host for one of those.
didn’t we used to execute people by hanging and firing squad? somehow this asshole gets a trial…
this post is like awful opne mic stand-up