Usually when you go home and dig through your parents’ stuff all you find is a couple porn mags, massage oils, and a tiny bit of weed that’s been there since the last time you went snooping. But every once in a while you find something weird you swipe and take to work and scan to share on the internet. Something like a chart called The Plan of Ages.
Created by Finis Jennings Dake, it acts as a kind of easy-to-learn scrolly guide to the Bible that makes absolutely no sense. For example the River of Death begins a bright blue river of birth, then meanders down the page, forming tiny ponds of witchcraft, fornication, drunkenness, and wrath, before it turns blood red and flows down into Hades. Hours of scripture reading, dusted, without a single clear idea emergent.
This chart sheds light on how we all came to be here, which seems to involve the following: of cerberus evolution from a pond, multiple rainbows (surprisingly—isn’t God supposed to hate homos?), a sea of glass filled with sinking lampposts, angels in migration patterns, cannons shooting storks, a hippo with an afro and beetle wings, and animals sitting on mountaintops waiting around for something to happen. Also, in case you were wondering, Native Americans truly are the source of evil–do you see how the line of Cain leads directly to a teepee? Duh.
This is clearly the work of a genius. Dake was an American Pentecostal minister and evangelist in the 1920s and 30s. He was perhaps best known for his work, The Dake Annotated Study Bible. A few years later he also became known as a man who likes 16-year old girls when he illegally brought young Emma Barelli across Wisconsin-state lines and proceeded to check in to hotels across the country under the pious alias “Christian Anderson and wife.”
In the end, Dake was caught. He pleaded guilty, spent six months in a corrections home, got out, untethered himself from any denomination, died of Parkinson’s Disease in 1987, and most likely wasn’t spared that river of blood.
Tags: Finis Jennings Dake, Plan of Ages, the Bible is not crazy compared to this
either my parents are total prudes or they hide their secret stuff very well. i’ve never found a thing.
To be fair, the rainbow was God’s sign to Noah that he would never again flood the earth. I doubt the homos were using it before then.
thanks to this, i now know that noah’s ark looked like a monopoly hotel with a canoe stuck on the bottom.
My parents spank me with this same poster. OUCH!
Well, if that’s the case then you should waste no more time walking through your neighborhood because here you will find everything you are looking for.
Those ‘living creatures’ are ripe for a saturday morning cartoon full of adventure and biblical mystery.