While some of you knew about this long ago, many of you will be surprised (but not really) to learn that video games have finally decided to openly acknowledge their gayness. Good news, to be sure – they’d clearly been repressing it for a long, long time – but there’s a problem. Now that they’re out, they’re making up for lost time. They’re not content to just be gay. They’re being super, super, astronomically gay: not demure, clandestine Anderson Cooper gay; not shirtless and fencing George Takei gay; not even zesty, mincing, owning-the-caricature Scott Thompson gay, but gay in a way that used to only exist in the stereotypes of 13-year-old-glue-huffin’ heshers. Greased, ripped Rip Taylor on crantinis and amyl nitrate getting nailed by a rainbow gay. The proof? The upcoming European release of Muscle March.
The gist is this: a variety of bandits have swiped the city’s supply of bulk-up powder, and it’s up to the muscliest, oiliest men (and man-like bears) in town to chase them down and get it back. For some reason, everyone is constantly posing, and when the leader of the pack passes through a wall, everyone following must pose in the same position to pass through. This being the Wii, that means that players must strike the poses themselves. In real life. Where they can be seen.
The visuals are what make it, though. Almost everything has a schizophrenic caricaturization to it – like it was designed for gay people by someone who only learned about gayness from, well, video gamers. And the only time before this that homosexuality was approached by a videogame was in Postal 2 – the Wikipedia entry for which used to contain the phrase, “The company defended the game by pointing out that the player does not have to kill gay characters and that the gays in the bar will fire back.”
Oh wait, no, wrong – I forgot about Cho Aniki.
In Cho Aniki, players control two bethonged musclemen, firing white hot energy out of holes on the top of their bald heads, in an effort to defeat a bodybuilding villain who has stolen their galaxy’s protein. If you fail to collect enough power-ups on a level, one of the dudes will fall in love with the boss and leave you. Also, the graphics are handled by an acid-scorched, molested-as-a-child-by-William-S-Burroughs Terry Gilliam.
In short, Cho Aniki boiled homosexuality down to just its fuzziest, crowd-pleasingest aspects – loving muscles and ejaculating – and it was still rejected by the mainstream. The problem was that it tried to be gay at a time when video games just weren’t ready to be gay. They were new in town, they had a lot of pressure to fit in, and they spent all their time with kids who just wouldn’t have it. Also, another problem Cho Aniki had was that it was nightmarishly fucked up. But now, things are a bit more permissive – video games are free to admit that they’re gay, and free to depict homosexuality openly, honestly, and accurately.
Tags: Canada, complete goddamn insanity, gay, muscles, stereotypes, ultra gay, videogames
This is going to be huge at gay bars.
16-bit muscle veins are gross.
duke nukem was obviously a super gay.
I thought the gays came out of the video game closet with Wii fitness?
Let’s not forget the Toaplan arcade classic, Knuckle Bash.
NICE MUSCLE!!!!!
Amazing!!
super gay.
but, the polar bear?
it’s rare that a video game actually impresses me but wow, i want to play that
Polar Bears look a lot like Sumo Wrestlers, don’t ya think?
People, keep in mind that all these games have Japenese writing plastered all over them. Japenese are known as the most sexually influenced/explicit society. It is accepted for a man to engage with geisha girls (prostitutes) and who knows whatelse they do to spare their wives from being daily sex slaves. North American Society is the only one that expects monagamy. I watched Oprah, she had a bunch of black guys admitting to “doing it on the down low” which meant they were having affairs, on their wives, with MEN. Whatever……….homosexuality has been around for thousands of years. why do you think its mentioned in the bible? (which is just a bunch of first person news stories) It was an accepted practice in Greece and Rome. They never had Aids then, did they? Get over the HOMO stigma and worry about stuff that is WAY more important…..like…are you a good person, are you honest, fair, and equitalbe. Do you treat others as you wish to be treated? Have you cheated on your wife? Is everyone of those kids really yours. You know what? Mind your own F’ng business and stop thinking you are better than anyone else, especially if your name is butt nut……….buuuuuuuuuttttttt nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuttttt……sounds perv
Haulleluyeah for butts in motion.