It’s a sad week for children and fat people of Iceland because McDonalds have dumped them, hamburgling happiness from the nation by removing all of its branches from the land of Bjork. It’s just the latest humiliation for the credit-crunched country and just another thing for Alison, our half-Icelandic VBS UK producer, to feel ashamed about. I took her out for four McDonald’s meals to commiserate her and watched her eat them through her tears.
Vice: Hi Alison, are you feeling miserable about Iceland losing all its McDonald’s?
Alison: Very miserable. I went to one in Reykjavik a few times and have always had fond memories of it. Thanks for taking me out to lunch, though I didn’t really want this much.
You’re not mourning enough unless you puke. What was McDonald’s like in Iceland? Was it as nice as this one?
There weren’t very many, but they hadn’t been changed since the 70s or something, so all the decor was more vintage than this. And you could get bread sticks.
You could get bread sticks!? Wow, that’s classy. Could you get beer, like in France?
I don’t know, I never wanted one when I was ten.They were quite posh though; people always said that when they first opened loads of couples got married there. They were expensive though – everything in Iceland is. That’s why my mum moved over here, because she could afford a Happy Meal in Coventry.
About a year ago your nation stole all our grans’ pensions. Do you think this is karma?
No. Screw your gran. If she wants her money back she can come and beg for it.
Do you think this is it for Iceland being a cool country? First you have farting geezers all over the place, then you charge a tenner a beer, and now this. Will Damon Albarn pack up his bar and head somewhere he can enjoy a Chicken McNugget?
Probably. He is quite fat these days, isn’t he? Iceland sucks, it’s not nearly as mystical as everyone thinks. It’s just full of suicidal bankers listening to Sigur Ros. The real bitch about this is that I don’t think there are any Burger Kings, and there definitely aren’t any Domino’s Pizzas.
So it’s just whale blubber from now on, huh? How’s the food going down? What did I get you?
You got me a Big Mac Meal with a Coke, a Cheeseburger, six Chicken McNuggets and a Happy Meal with a cheeseburger and a Fanta – that came with a Fantastic Mr Fox ice-lolly maker, so that’s a bonus. I thought I was enjoying it at first but now I feel really dirty.
You’ve only had a cheeseburger, some fries and some nuggets. Get started on that Big Mac.
Fuck you. OK.
So, tell me something else about your stuttering homeland.
Loads of people believe in pixies and everyone has been over Bjork for ages… I feel horrible, this stuff is gruesome.
Don’t say that, you’re ruining it for the kids over there.
It should be ruined for them; I’m pleased that Icelandic kids can’t eat this shit any more, they’ll be the only fit children on Earth.
Not quite. Albania, Armenia, and Bosnia and Herzegovina don’t have McDonald’s. Is Iceland better or worse than them?
We’re definitely better than Armenia, but Albania is pretty good. Anyway, we’re on the winning team now, you can shove your EU president crap up your arse. I’m not eating any more. Ugh.
Well done! Iceland will be proud!
Tags: feeders, gorging, Iceland, Interviews, McDonald's
Im sorry Iceland.
Fuck Iceland. I hope your economy crumbles.
as blubber goes, whale blubber is up there. it’s dark maroon and comes apart in soft, fat strings, like pot roast. the taste is 6 parts cow, 1 part fish.
she’s cute. she can crash at my house if her country goes into ruin.
McDonald’s is the only restaurant worth eating at and now I feel bad for Iceland.
She is really hott. not just hot with one “t” but with two.
Mc Donalds is crap anyway, who cares.
lol @ iceland and i wonder if they still have chicken shops 4 the rude boys in iceland lol
“It’s just full of suicidal bankers listening to Sigur Ros.”
I’m glad they kill themselves over Sigur Ros, less of their fans to deal with.
I saw some newlyweds pull up to a hot dog stand after their wedding, but those Icelandic hot dogs are way better than McDonald’s.
Don’t believe the hype.
The first McDonalds opened up in the early 90’s so the decor can’t be from the 70’s. I don’t remember any people getting married there.
McDonalds closed because the had to import the ingredients. The restaurants are still open under a different name. That only means more business for the local food industry and more jobs.
It was far from being the biggest international chain here. There were never anymore than three franchises at any given point.
There’s only been one Burger King franchise in Iceland, and it closed a few years back. There’s about 15 Dominos franchises in Iceland according to dominos.is. We have numerous other fast-food chains, both local and international.
Nobody really believes in pixies. It’s something we tell tourists so we can get them to pay for looking at lava rocks, which we have plenty of. That type of entrepreneurship is what’s getting us out of this recession before Jack Straw even learns how to brush his teeth.
Regarding your grans’ pension, it looks like we’ll be paying it back. I just hope that’s enough to cover your dental plan and prevent parents from torturing their infant children to death.
Oh god, a cute girl that can eat that much McDonalds? Marry me!
i started smelling mcdonalds while reading this???