We Brits have invented good things like the printing press and The Beano and the bouncing bomb and wood chip. However, yesterday the British Invention Convention was held and, frankly, my mind wasn’t blown. Anything to do with science should be as amazing to idiots like me as the mall was to Brendon Fraser in California Man. But all this shit seems like bad jokes actualized. I was sitting on something much better.
Here are some of the British Invention Convention offerings.
Viagra bedsheets
What a geek one-liner. Of course in the real world nothing would be worse than lacing your bedsheets with a drug which has been linked to loads of heart attacks. It’s basically the Shirt of Nessus with an endless boner.
Magnetic tea towel
This couldn’t be any shitter. It’s magnetic so you can throw it at the fridge and not lose it. But who struggles with tea towels? You hang them on the handle of the oven and then you get on with your life and never worry about them, never once. Presumably, if you spill something on your laptop and then wipe it up with a magnetic tea towel, it wipes the memory. Sweet.
The Claudatron
Now, according to YouTube, this one has existed for over a year anyway and it’s basically a less cultured, less deadly version of this fat virtuoso.
Anyway, all this crap reminded me of my invention. I invented the best tattoo machine ever.
If you’re one of those mentally buggered people who wants a tattoo of Jack Bower or Fergie’s upskirt shot, then this is for you. Frankly, you’re not interested in style or art – drawing is a magic trick for you, one which is achieved by copying reality exactly. Clearly, if it were possible, you’d like photo-realistic tattoos as well, for cheap.
I don’t know how to do this, but if you cross a laserjet printer with a billion tattoo needles, you could have awesome photo-realistic tats with absolute zero tat-skill. See this diagram:
Awesome tats like these done with simply the touch of a button:
Your favorite pop star! For fewer pounds!
A sexy sexy woman! More realistic and more like real porn than ever before!
Your favourite meme! These things used to be too transitory to capture in a tattoo, but no longer–just download and ink!
A scan of your favourite piece of your art college collage! Art lives forever, on your skin!
I genuinely think this is a brilliant idea. Am I wrong?
Tags: Bad Tattoo Ideas, Beano, Brendan Fraser's Early Career, Inventions, Viagra Bedsheets
Why oh why would you even need Viagra sheets? Sleep boners? You should only have those during your 11-14 years and once they’re gone you don’t want them anymore.
Morning wood is acceptable, though.
you can’t do that to abe, you goddamn brits!
Wow. Those tattoos are absolutely mind blowing. Well, you kind of disgraced Robocop but for the most part, these tats are hilarious.
no, robocop disgraced himself. if anything, this is an upgrade. i mean, really, would you rather have a ford taurus or a unicorn. i’m on the saddle.
Ultra-high res, photorealistic tattoos: I think I have a somewhat decent idea on how to do this. I’ll probably get to it in a few years.
California Man? You surely mean Encino Man.
Goddamn. Apparently I’ve developed a new thing for backs, especially when framed by just the right amount of a hint of perfect ass
I want each and every one of those tats.
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Who is the guy wit the boner, he is mega hot and I would love to fuck around with him.
I would like to buy a camcorder to record video just for placing on my iphone. Is there a camcorder which saves the video already in a compatible format for iphone?
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