Since it is the 15th anniversary of Vice I decided to celebrate by digging up an interview from ten years ago, half of which ran in a magazine you may have heard of called Big Brother. It is perhaps one of my favorite interviews EVER. It’s with a Polish Metal band called Behemoth and all I did was ask the singer set up questions to Polish jokes, a form of comedy he is quite oblivious to. Antics ensue…
Vice: How do you spell your name?
Nertel.
So you guys are really from Poland?
Yes.
Where in Poland?
From the coast up north, a city called Danzig.
Danzig? Like Glen Danzig?
Yes.
So did you hear about the Polish Admiral who wanted to be buried at sea when he died?
Which guy?
The Polish Admiral, he wanted to be buried at sea when he died.
No, never heard of him.
Well, five sailors died digging his grave.
All right. No. I never heard of him.
Did you hear about the one tragedy in Poland? In Poland’s largest shopping mall, there was a terrible power outage. People were stuck on the escalators for four hours.
I did not hear about this.
Did you hear about the Polish man that locked his keys in his car?
Locked his what?
His keys in his car.
Yes.
Did you hear about that guy?
Sure.
He had to use a coat hanger to get his family out.
Yes, yes. He is very famous in Poland because of this.
Really?
Oh, yes.
Did you hear about the Polish family that froze to death outside a theater?
I am not really familiar with that story.
No, They were waiting to see the movie Closed for the Winter.
I did not hear about this. “Closed for the Winter”? No. I’m more into, have you heard of this movie [says crazy long Polish title that even he can’t spell].
Is that like Bladerunner?
No, it’s a Polish movie. Very famous. I though that you might know that one but you do not. It won some awards in Europe and in the US. It’s pretty famous.
But it’s not as good as Closed for the Winter?
I don’t know, I’ve never seen Closed for the Winter.
What happened to the Polish hockey team?
I am not into sports, man.
I heard they all drowned in spring training.
I don’t know. I am not into sports, man. No, not at all. I am into metal. I am a metal-minded metal head.
Do you know any gay Polaks?
Yes, actually one.
Yeah, he sleeps with women right?
Of course. He’s gay.
How did the Polish mother teach her son which way to put his underwear on?
Oh, they don’t actually.
Yeah they do, I’ll tell you how. They say, “Yellow in the front, brown in the back!”
Now I know because I never use underwears.
Why don’t polish women use vibrators?
Why? I don’t know.
It chips their teeth.
OK. Cool.
How do you sink a Polish battleship?
How?
Put it in water. Why did the Polak cross the road?
No, I don’t know
He couldn’t get his dick out of the chicken.
That’s not bad.
Did you like that one?
Yeah, sure.
How do you get a one-armed Polak out of a tree?
I don’t know.
Wave to him.
All right.
How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?
Well, it depends.
On what?
On the point of view.
On the point of view?
There is different theories about this. It is difficult to say.
What’s your theory?
What’s my theory? Our power was too weak it was not ready.
My theory is the Germans marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.
I think that’s bullshit, but maybe I am wrong, you know. I just graduated university, history actually, and maybe I’m just wrong. Maybe you’re right, I don’t know.
How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
How, I don’t know.
Turn off the carousel.
OK.
Do you want some more?
No.
You don’t want anymore?
No.
You’re over it?
I have a lot of job here man to do.
You don’t like the Polish jokes?
I don’t care.
Do you think they are funny?
I don’t know, I don’t care.
A few more. Why did the Polish couple decide to have only four children?
I don’t know.
They’d read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies born in the world today is Chinese.
OK.
What do you do if a Polak throws a pin at you?
I don’t know.
Run like hell, he’s still got a hand-grenade between his teeth.
OK.
What do you do if a Polak throws a hand-grenade at you?
What?
Take the pin out and throw it back.
Uh-huh.
Hey, Nertel, why are there no ice cubes in Poland?
There are ice cubes in Poland.
Because they forgot the recipe. Isn’t that funny?
No.
What happened to the Polish National Library?
What?
Someone stole the book. All right my last question. How do you keep a Polak in suspense?
I don’t know
I’ll tell you later.
All right.
Tags: Behemoth, Interviews, Meet the Nieratkos, metal, Music, Polish jokes, Skinema
are polish people really this dumb or do they just not have a sense of humor?
solid fucking gold right here. love it.
@ lazy eyez killa: in my experience, both
this place looks just like the funeral home in ‘phantasm.’
lol
i bet these guys look funny when they have to pee.
Wonderful.
this is pretty lame.
this is funny. prepare to be murdered in your sleep by this band.
i think dead baby jokes would have been more up their alley.
[...] interview ever By nanobotswillenslaveusall This is a Vice Magazine interview with someone named Nertel from a Polish black metal band called [...]
I actually choked on a chicken while reading this. Thank you, Christopher.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Sol, Stanton. Stanton said: http://www.viceland.com/blogs/en/2009/10/15/meet-the-nieratkos-behemoth/ [...]
this has nothing to do with intelligence, this has to do with european metal heads not giving a fuck about anything but metal.
love it
“of course he sleeps with women. he’s gay” classic.
i actually remember this article fromn the original big brother, i still read my old copies when i poop, and usually i dont remember having read them but this one will live on in my heart til the end of time
Chris Nieratko, once again, you are not funny. You are trading on past glories. You’re the Brett Favre of Vice buddy boy, go be a dad and skate and say ‘douche’ a lot, you’re real good at those things apparently
Oh, and when I say ‘past glories’ it is because you used to be funny. This was not from 94 obviously, you know why? Because Behemoth didn’t release an LP till 95 and there’s no way hipster-skater-from-Jersey ever found them before then. Fact
hehehehe\\
king of taking the poes
He actually goes by ‘Nergal,’ not ‘Nertel’
Bravo! I don’t remember this in Big Brother but wow! Probably would have won an award. I rarely like you nieratkos but I have to admit when you shine you clearly shine. So you clearly have some ex fans but consider me a half fan from now on just because you wrote this ten years ago!
i was all about Behemoth until i found out that the singer calls himself ”Nergal”. i mean, really dude? you’re from fucking Poland and that’s the best you’ve got?
alot of black metal dudes are just waaaaay too serious
both Nergal and the guy who did this interview are so fucking funny, I’m laughing my arse off at both the questions and the answers. Btw to people who think Nergal is serious: FUCK YOU. Listen to Behemoth and se if they are stupid, you’d have to be a fucking genious to write music like that.
lazy eyez killa, yes we are dumb enough to recognize a faked interview. and actually we have the sense of humour, we just save it for something that deserves it. sorry buddy but it is pretty sad to see you laugh at this shit above. as for the vice, it has always been cheap and pretentious, so i am not surprised. freesheet. thank you very much.
I’ve met this guy, he’s really nice and funny. I don’t think this is fake, its just supposed to be a little stilted…
hahahahaha omg i couldnt stop laughing
HAHAHAHA…I am Polish but it doesn’t really matter right now…what matters is the fact that the guy who made this interwiev is much more RETARDED then NERGAL (not NERTEL)…They are worth each other
BY THE WAY…I love that jokes…the true is that we’re expanding, and we are going to steel yor jobs and rape yor women (mr. Jurnalist is first lady on the list) AMEN ALOHA AND AVE MARIA
CHRIS NIERATKO????….that sounds Polish…His original name was Krzysztof Narzadko*, but right after his parents left motherland for better life in IDAHO, they decided to get rid of all that polish crap…(including names and louses)…They are proud, Americans now, who shed a tear whenever they hear about victims in IRAQ (specially those american)……I’m with you and your family Chris….but remember that You shouldn’t be ashamed for yor roots… Take care buddy…
*This is nierzadkie polish name which can be nierzadko found in polish unindustrial/oral societies.
One more thing….if you guys would like to comment or sth…but you don’t really know what to write, you can always type “LOL”. It’s Chris Nierratkos favourite word (he knows much more trendy stuff).
[...] I guess it’s Vice’s fifteenth anniversary, and to help celebrate, writer Chris Nieratko dug up a decade old, [...]
Immature just like everything on Vice.
I could not stop laughing. This shit is hilarious yet pathetic >;]~
I don’t understand why some people have all this hatred for Polish people.
Everyone knows these are insult jokes about Polish people. They were popular with the Nazi Germans since the origin of Polish jokes came from the Nazis since the Nazis felt the Poles had subhuman intelligence since they are Slavic.
The Nazis then tried to make their stereotype of Poles a reality by killing off their educated class first.
Ironically in the 1960’s, letftist Hollywood and NBC-TV, although claiming to be against the Nazis, ENJOYED Nazi propaganda against the Polish people since they hated the Poles for being Pro-Catholic and against communism.
Why not tell insult jokes to singers who are Black, Jewish and Italian?
Why push these so called Polish jokes that ORIGINATED from NAZI PROPOGANDA?
Why all this hatred against Polish people?
[...] porządny wpierdol. Dlaczego ? Przekonacie się czytając wspomniany wywiad, który znajduje się tutaj. Jak twierdzi autor, miał on miejsce przed dziesięcioma laty. Nie dam sobie głowy uciąć co do [...]
Hello from Russia!
Can I quote a post “No teme” in your blog with the link to you?
So childish and lame interview. Almost all of this “interview” is about Polaks. Why don’t you leave in peace Polaks and look at yourself? I mean, perhaps Nergal found your questions too childish to answer them as well.
It seems, that the author of this interview has a very low self-esteem, and is a narrow minded, xenophobic bastard who probably even does not know where Poland is located, dough he manages to create a false world vision based on some jokes told by dirty rednecks. I also doubt, that this interview is authentic. Poland is not some backwards third-world country, on the contrary, we are a member of the UE since 2004 , whatsmore, in Europe only Polands economy achieved a growth this year. I agree that Poland is yet not as developed as germany or brittan for instance, however we have universities , scientific achievements(Poles invented the blue laser for instance) in physics, information technology and many more. There are many poles known worldwide. Unlike many americans, we know where Australia, China or Sweden is, and we don’t think that Albert Einstein was a football player, and 70% of our society is not obese. I can bet, that there are many more people with higher education diplomas in poland than in the states. I myself study biomedical engineering at a technical university. We also don’t drink vodka , but usually beer, or drinks, we have computers modern cars, lcd, plasma and LED screens shoping malls HD tv etc. So if You want to base your knowledge on some humiliating joke, than it’s your choice, but first at least try to stimulate your cortex by visiting http://www.poland.pl or http://edition.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2008/news/eye.on.poland/
Whatever Kozlowskis. All I know is that I live in Greenpoint and Polish people don’t know how to GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY. First, learn how to walk down the street then you can focus on technology. Oh yeah, and Polish soccer day or whatever that is? Biggest bummer of all time.
It seems, that the author of this interview has a very low self-esteem, and is narrow minded, xenophobic and prabobly even does not know where Poland is located, dough he manages to create a false world vision based on some jokes told by dirty rednecks. I also doubt, that this interview is authentic. Poland is not some backwards third-world country, on the contrary, we are a member of the UE since 2004 , whatsmore, in Europe only Polands economy achieved a growth this year. I agree that Poland is yet not as developed as germany or brittan for instance, however we have universities , scientific achievements(Poles invented the blue laser for instance) in physics, information technology and many more. There are many poles known worldwide. Unlike many americans, we know where Australia, China or Sweden is, and we don’t think that Albert Einstein was a football player, and 70% of our society is not obese. I can bet, that there are many more people with higher education diplomas in poland than in the states. I myself study biomedical engineering at a technical university. We also don’t drink vodka , but usually beer, or drinks, we have computers modern cars, lcd, plasma and LED screens shoping malls HD tv etc. So if You want to base your knowledge on some humiliating joke, than it’s your choice, but first at least try to stimulate your cortex by visiting http://www.poland.pl or http://edition.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2008/news/eye.on.poland/
[Hello it's your name Chris Nieratko? like Christopher Columbus? he discovered America you know...]:)) ha ha ha this is really funny so far:)) [Did you know that dudes that are called Chris are directly related to Jesus Christ?]:)) ha ha ha I’m so funny.
Notice these are similar questions to Chris Nieratko’s not funny questions, so…what could he really answer to this questions?…”Yes”, “Yes? Ooh! I didn’t know that”, “You are a funny person”??? hahahahaha He could say something similar or he could react as Nergal did, especially if the conversation would be held on the phone and he could not see my face expression:)) But I have a hunch he wouldn’t consider my jokes to be that funny, especially if he wouldn’t know what to expect:))
+ Chris Nieratko as an American HUMORIST should be aware of the many types of humour that existe in the world, and should know that not every person has to enjoy his jokeless type of jokes:)))